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Monday, December 24, 2007, 11:05 PM
not a very merry christmas after all
oh well. i just needed a place to relieve all my sorrows.ok. i'm not sure whether i should be feeling sorrowful. but i really am feeling rather horrible since yesterday. alright alright. i know it's the festive seasons and everyone should be happy. but i'm not exactly happy. let me start pouring my "sorrows" then... i wonder what you guys feel when you see your partner's ex flame. for me, i felt pretty weird. she came over for mahjong session on sunday night, but i didnt know it was HER. i thought she was a friend's gf. then i heard from eugene that she was the one. oh man. you could really hear the thunder around me at that time man. WORSE, she was coming over for the bbq. WORST, eugene bought like some stuff for her. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHRISTMAS GIFT! the thought of her coming just ruined my mood for the whole night lah. it feels horrible you know. it's like, i want to bring this up but i can't. i dunno how to bring it up without sounding like a over jealous gf. afterall, let bygones be bygones right? but i felt it was very disrespectful that he actually brought her back, knowing i'm here also. i'm not sure if any of you guys know how it actually feels lah. maybe i'm just getting over emotional and over reacting over this issue. oh well. so i thought, might as well just enjoy the night lah. shall not waste away my christmas eve. so i started getting back to my hyper self. when she came, i was pretty friendly to her. in fact, i was very very nice to her, i think. we acted like we were friends for like 1500000 years. oh well. but deep down inside, it just feels horrible, knowing she's someone that your bf used to love the most. moreover, when i saw how nice eugene treated her, it just made me feel really sad. PLUS, the thing that david used to love her so much last time made things worse. he must have really treated her very well. i cant help but to really compare myself to her. you know what? she's really really nice and i just can understand why david must be loved her so much. i felt that i was pretty much imcomparable to her. and as i'm typing now, tears are just flowing uncontrollably, and i'm not sure why i'm crying. it's like, all these made me feel like i'm really the worst girlfriend ever. she's like so perfect and i'm just so flawed in every way. i just feel so sad right now. i think i've been holding back these tears for quite some time already. i asked tourm, huilin and even charlotte whether i should be feeling the way i'm feeling now. they seemed to be on my side. charlotte also agrees that she'll feel horrid if she see's brian's ex gf. am i over reacting? i so need a shoulder to cry on, but i dont wanna destroy anyone's joyous christmas mood. thats why i'm here pouring my sorrows to my blog. AHHH!!!! life is just so sucky sometimes, dont you think? i wished i wasnt feeling so shitty right now. i know i know... whatever it is, they're something of the past. but i just cant help feeling so sad. i'm so over reacting. right now, i feel so down. i feel that david deserves someone better. someone like her. i feel that i'm so not up to his standard, like he always says. and i feel that, i dont deserve anyone at all. i dunno. all i know is that i'm feeling so shitty now. my head feels like it's bursting. my heart feels broken. i wish someone can just brainwash me right now... |
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